9/19/2015


Wow, today I had an experience of a lifetime. I flew a plane.  I FLEW A PLANE and it was amazing.
I went to visit my friend Mark in Pleasanton TX. and his friend Clint came over to visit.  Clint has his pilots license and is an instructor.  He was talking about having to get up this morning for a flight lesson and I mentioned that it would be awesome to be able to fly.  He invited me to come join him and he would take me up in the air and let me fly the plane.  I got very little sleep that night and woke up this morning, bright and early, ready to go with the biggest smile on my face. He called me promptly at 10:30am and told me to come on over to the airport.  Luckily, it was just around the corner from where I was staying, I was there in 5 minutes and I got to go up while he was instructing his student, but then afterwards he took me up, just the two of us, so I could sit in the pilots seat and see everything from his view and be able to control the steering myself.  This has inspired me to want to take flying lessons now.  This has become one of the items on my bucket list.   I had a permanent grin on my face the rest of the day and I feel on top of the world.  Of course, this could not have happened without going through a loss in my life.
Since recovering from my stem cell transplant I learned to have a new passion for life.  I find happiness in everything, the good and the bad.  I have taken on the world in full force because I know what it feels like to lose who I am and then regain it back.  The loss I recently experience was that of Chris leaving me after almost 16 years together.  He blindsided me, gave me no warning, no discussion in advance, no hint that he was unhappy.  I dont get it, he was ok with me always being on the go before I got sick. It gave him the chance to do the things he wanted to do without having me nagging at him.  I get sick and he saw that I needed him and he liked it.  He liked being my caretaker, but once I got better, he no longer wanted to be a caretaker and he wanted me to be independent again and once I was completely independent, he realized he no longer liked that.  He thought I no longer needed him.  I didn't need him, but I alway's wanted him, which in my eyes is more important than needing someone because it shows that the person is in your life by choice.  This all happened on August 9, 2015.  Just a little over a month later and I am realizing he did me a favor.  Although he did allow me a lot of freedom, he also hindered me from really experiencing other things in life.  He always kept score, he always had negativity about everything I did.  Had Chris and I not split up, I wouldn't have went to visit my friend Mark and then wouldn't have had the chance to meet Clint and fly that plane so, thank you Chris for making my life better without you.
In hindsight, looking back on the last 16 years, I see how he really treated me and held me back.  I see even more, how negative he really was.  I don't know why I held on for as long as I did.  I loved him and I held on to that love and the hope that we might eventually figure this out and how to have a meaningful relationship with each other, but for some reason we just couldn't.